“I removed the fakes and shit got real” – Nav – I Don’t Care
I’ve spent the past month and a half going over Nav’s discography and man, I just love his music. He’s got the sexy jams, the late night drive jams, chill jams, and the reality check jams. The reality check jams made me want to delve into tonight’s topic. Friends. Real friends.
You know, living in the shitty town Eagle Pass is, you always hear everyone complaining about the same shit here. Everyone and everything here is fucking mediocre. I always hear that everyone in EP is a snake, everyone in EP is fake, that you can’t trust anyone here and that everyone talks shit. I came up from a school with the same mediocre ass people for about 10 years. 10 years, with the same people, I rarely got to meet people that weren’t from my school. Once I actually entered high school I finally got around to making new friends. When I did, all I would hear was that same shit. That same shit about everyone being fake and talking shit and all this other whining. When I finally got in high school, I thought it wouldn’t be a fucking surprise for me to encounter some snakes so I never really came to understand everyone’s angst with fake people, friends and all that. But what I actually never came to understand was that’s how snakes work, you’re not really supposed to see the backstabbing coming from a mile away. That’s how I saw it. I never really expected to lose what I would have called “somewhat important” people in my life. But I did, cause it just happens you know? But if I was some sort of problem to you and your fucking quality of life improves without me then, by any and all means go ahead and confront me if you have a problem. By all means, go ahead. Please. But you can’t expect me to not complain when you go talk about me to all your other friends and not confront me with the problem. Real shit.
You lose friends, it fucking happens, and unless you’ve eliminated the toxic people in your life and know who your real friends really are, then congratulations. You’re lucky if you didn’t have to wait around long enough to find out who the fake friends are though. Sadly I didn’t get rid of people and just stuck with a bunch of people who turned out were just talking bad about me, and that’s okay but like, what pesters me is they don’t come to me and tell me lmao. Something else I just can’t come to accept when I lose a friend is when it’s someone who’s house I’ve been to. Like, man that’s got me so fucked up. People I’ve spent money on or with. Real shit, I only have a few good 10 friends. Everyone else is just people I talk to but they don’t really know me. I might have a streak with them on Snapchat, have a class, have mutual friends, talk regularly but unless you have actually spent time with me out of school and get to know me, invest time into getting to know each other then I could consider spawning a genuine friendship. Otherwise, you’re just there. Not in the picture, you’re out the frame. These type of people barely hold any value to me but because I hold any value to them, because they choose to act like they know me and they’re friends with me. But they’re not. Off the people I came up with from my old school, I only stuck with about 5. Everyone else I either just didn’t fuck with or was fake. I do not associate myself with those people. And man, I’ve been told a lot that I changed a lot since I entered high school and nah. I didn’t change. I just realized shit and became my actual self.
If you really care about my personal life and have the time and fucks to give and read the next 1,500+ words of this article, then continue reading:
Look, I had this friend I’m gonna tell y’all just a little bit about. Let’s call her Sarah fuck it. Look, I know you gon’ read this shit so fuck you. So Sarah and I had like the most toxic friendship I’ve had – to date. I’ve never really learned how to quite fuck a person off as in like, a friend. That’s why I’ve been getting fucked over, cause somehow I know how to handle and fuck girls off but not friends. That’s why I find it kinda odd to just spontaneously lose friends. Anyways, so I’m just gonna put my side of the story and she can write her side on her fucking tumblr or say something on her story. Sarah had this massive crush on me or whatever but I wasn’t all about it because I mean, have you seen me? Not just really a crush but like, she was genuinely in love with me, and I just can’t deal with that, especially if it’s a friend. But she saw me going off with other girls and girls that were obviously bad for me and saw me get hurt by them and since I never considered being with her that just made her feel like she wasn’t enough. But actually I was doing her a favor. I mean it would just hurt her every time to see me trying to be fucking happy with other girls or mention any other girls to her. I didn’t want you to like me, I was trying to do you a fucking favor. But I was painted as the bad one because I tried to push her emotions towards me into another direction. I tried to keep it as close as I could to “friends” with you but you made it really fucking hard with every argument we would have every other day. I acted like I didn’t give a fuck on our last argument because I just wanted you to end the argument already and leave me cause I know you’d be happy. Well not quite, because I already knew exactly of the emotional distress you were gonna be in on that night, and the night, and maybe the next few. What Sarah didn’t seem to comprehend was simply: I didn’t fucking like her and I didn’t want her to like me because I knew it would just hurt her to have to see me run off with other girls. I didn’t want to force myself into some sort of relationship that I didn’t want to take part of with her. She should be happy that I didn’t. Actually, she saw me go through something like that with a girl and somehow she didn’t comprehend that’s what I ought to not do with her. Or ever again honestly. I was trying to do her a favor by not feeding the feelings she already had for me. She was one of the only girls I wanted to actually try and maintain a somewhat normal friendship with but she made it really fucking hard.
This one time during May I was thinking about dating this one girl and she told me we should ask Sarah for permission considering that she liked me. Alright, 1, the fact I have to ask for anyone’s fucking permission for anything like that is just absolutely absurd, and 2, having to ask for Sarah’s permission and her saying “yes” but actually didn’t want me to just fucking outraged me a bit. Just a bit. That little moment there actually completely impeded me from dating that girl. Her jealousy also escalated to the point where I couldn’t talk about any girls at all. I couldn’t mention my hoes, any stories, or anything. Cause it just “pissed her off” and she “didn’t care.” And when I would bring it up and tell her it was just because of her jealousy she told me I was just flattering myself. If I ever brought up the thought about her wishing she was my girlfriend she told me I was just flattering myself. You would’ve like to think of it that way wouldn’t you have though, right?
Sarah had blocked me off like, all social media this one day because she was just displeased with how much of a dick I am. Because I had to meet certain fucking standards in our friendship, and I never met them. And you know why? You don’t fucking do that. This wasn’t a relationship dude, I wanted her to be an actual friend but she made it so motherfucking hard man. But if anything it was literally the most complicated friendship I’ve ever been in my life. Deadass. She treated the friendship as if it were a fucking relationship. It wasn’t, and I just fucking couldn’t. Man, lemme tell y’all, she would deadass have a set of friends and every time we would argue or she was just displeased with how I was acting, she’d go and tell them everything we would talk about. She would have like, let’s say, 5 friends for example and just argue about me to them and the majority of the time they would just tell her to just leave me. If you hesitate at all to leave me, let alone think of it, either do it or tell me, not your friends and have them decide. And her friends didn’t even fucking know me for fucks sake. She spoke and speaks of me as if I were some sort of abusive boyfriend in her life, let alone “boyfriend.” I was so fucking tired of it. According to her and her friends I was always in the wrong. Most times if she was infuriated for whatever reason she’d tell her friends and basically leave it up to them to decide whether she should “leave me.” And sure enough after she contemplated it for so long without even confronting me about it directly, she fucking did it and it ended just the same as any other argument we had. With her in tears, only this time I wasn’t there to message her the next morning and she wasn’t there to reply to me acting like she didn’t bawl her eyes out because of me for the 100th time. I think that whenever I tried fixing things between us I was still looked at as a piece of shit because the fact there’s things to fix between the already faulty friendship we had just sounded bad. Does it not? Does this “friendship” not sound excruciatingly annoying and faulty. It wasn’t a friendship, I feel like she didn’t want to lose me one way or another. She’ll find anyway to twist my words and make herself a victim and truly I don’t think either of us were innocent from being pieces of shit. Honestly I expect you to hate me but it’s not like you’re never gonna not hear about me. I’m never gonna really be gone.
I never hated her, but she sees me as if I did just because I didn’t love her the way she loved me. That was the thing though, I didn’t love her in that way, and I believe I was doing her a favor. It’s not what she was never enough, she was just naive, blindly in love and thought she could change me when I told her she rather not. Because you just don’t fucking do that. She made herself feel worthless and say she wasn’t enough when I wasn’t for her. I used to like to think almost everything you posted that had to do with love wasn’t about me, but it always was. Your eyes would drift onto other guys and you’d tell me but your heart still stayed.
This one time one of her guy friends had her phone and messaged me and told me to treat her better and appreciate her more and I told him that I’m not even her boyfriend and the guy just replied to me with “Oh.” As if she had fucking lead her friend on and make him believe I was Sarah’s boyfriend. That just astonished me, but I didn’t say anything, I think. Don’t remember well. Everything she’s written about me whether on her tumblr or what she’s told her friends is her just portraying me as a bitter, emotionally abusive boyfriend of some sort. I understood that she was sensitive but I had told her not to fucking like me, that she shouldn’t and just deal with it. I mean, I can’t control her feelings but fuck if I know anything about loving anyone. Let alone handling a girl that’s head over heels over the shitty person I am. She tried explaining to me the whole philosophy behind good girls trying to change bad boys. She was the good girl and I was the bad boy. I told her it just doesn’t work sometimes, it’s just fiction. The type of fiction she always held in her hands in the hallways. The fiction sitting on my desk that she lent me that I just chose not to read now because it reminds me of her. I can’t say I don’t miss her, but I’m not gonna tolerate her bullshit or her arguments anymore – her bullshit arguments. I can either expect her to write something about me as a means to respond to my apparent outrage, or one of her friends to tell me shit. Obviously you’re still gonna think about me in moments of heartbreak, or you hear a certain word, hear certain music, but that’s all on me, right? Cause I was such a horrible person. I’ll take credit for my part of being a shitty person in our friendship but you need to grow the fuck up and stop playing victim.
It’s still just so weird to think about lost friends. Like, I HAVE pictures with these people or like, I’ve been to their house or vice versa. I have fucking memories with these people and it’s just gone, over this one personal disagreement or another. But I think I’m getting used to this already. It’s a part of growing up, truly, but what strikes me as odd is being on bad terms with these people I once would’ve broken bread with. That’s what bugs me. I wouldn’t mind just simply not talking to people at all but knowing they have this distaste against me actually hurts. Really, my advice? Keep your circle small and be careful who you trust. It just takes one person to lose trust in everyone you know.