Lemme tell y’all, nah, lemme start doin’ this one shit where I just tell hoe stories. This shit’s gonna be funny.

Aight so this one time this year during May, hold up let me check my WhatsApp…aight from maybe May 26-June 7 I talked to this one girl called Andrea. Andrea was on my Facebook friend’s list for like what, a month maybe? This chick was kinda weird, she had random ass old dudes from like Mexico City to motherfucking Ecuador comment on her pictures and shit. They were all the typical annoying Latin American Facebook user. Like, the type of annoying fucks that reply to a comment thread not knowing what anyone is saying and using emoticons like “:v” and fucking “xD” like it’s still 2010.  I don’t fucking know, but I’d always heart her pictures and at times she would like my memes. And to be fucking honest, nowadays that’s usually how you get a guy’s attention, you like his memes n’ pics n’ shit, aight? Anyways, this one night she messages me and she took like two hours to reply after my initial reply to her message. Then she said she was buying something or some shit and I’m like aight cool. So this bitch starts talking to me and I was kinda glad I finally got around to talking to her and then I think we stopped talking then continued talking a night after. And she spoke and understood English well so I was kind of relieved. When we did, she said send nudes and later I got to adding her on snap but she was joking about the nudes. We talked a bit and I just went to sleep. Then I think the night after we continued talking and well, turns out she wasn’t really joking about the nudes now and we ended up sending. The one thing she would constantly screenshot from all the snaps I’d send her was my eyes. She loved my eyes. I’m positive she had at least 100 pics if not just a bit less saved from me, and they were all pictures of my eyes.

After a few nights of talking, I found something out about her. She was fucking 18 years old. I’m 15. She fucking looks like my age. This was when I realized when she told me the other night that she goes to school from like 6-9, it’s because she goes to college dude. She got night classes. Yet I was confused cause she still lived with her parents but I don’t really know that many 18 year olds, let alone in Piedras, MX so I wouldn’t know if that shit is normal. I guess it is. So yeah, then I told her my bitchass was 16 but she thought I was 18. At the end of it, we didn’t give that much of a fuck and continued doing our shit. On May 30, we had been planning our meet up and finally met up by the plaza by my house. I went to sit by a bench and as we were texting it started to drizzle. She sent me a picture of me sitting on the bench under those weird bendy things. I started walking towards and I literally just plopped my ass next to her and sat in awkward silence. We greeted each other and started talking a bit and I noticed she had a camera and I knew this girl was into photography. Then she asked if it as okay if she could deadass take a picture of my eyes with her fucking camera with flash. I was like alright, sure, fuck it dude go right ahead and she took two pictures. Then we kept talking and as we kept talking it started to drizzle harder, it was like about to start raining. Our bench was under a tree so we were fine. Then as I was with her, my mom told me she was coming home with wings. From my bench, I could see the gate from the international bridge and I saw my car cross. I saw my mom deadass drive past the plaza, and I’m over here, seated with a foreign woman I just met 15 minutes ago. I tell her I gotta bunk and as I pull her up from the bench I kissed her, under the rain. Real romancy shit for y’all. Then she starts walking her bike down my road past the church and I’m walking cause my house is a walking distance away. As we’re about one block away from my crib she tells me she goes down this street to the left and I’m like alright bye dude and before she took off I pulled her in to make out with her under the rain, make out, not kiss. And there’s a stop sign on this particular one-way street so a car makes a stop and there’s some old creepy ass dude staring at us in awe like he’s seeing two goats fucking. And she takes off and I start jogging in the motherfucking rain trying not to slip and break my ass on this slippery ass broken ass concrete. As I pull up on my gate I see my dad pulling out with the car and he tells me to get the fuck in to not get wet. We then go to I forgot where, I think the pharmacy. And all I’m thinking is, “yo dawg my wings are gonna get cold.” Then after like 5 minutes I get home and eat my wings. 5 cajun, 5 lemon and pepper, that’s my shit. With cajun seasoned fries and cheese, not ranch, bitch. Then a while after we continue our talks and she had talked about smashing and I was like yo, chill lmao. I was down but, bro, chill it’s only been like less than two weeks. And that’s how it is for me, two weeks and toss ’em. It’s a myth that I can hold the same girl for more than two weeks.

After that, we had met up a second time. This was the second, last, and the worst one probably, well not for me. So she texts me like at 6 asking if I could go and I’m like nah I ain’t feelin’ it or some shit, it’s gonna be too late by the time I get there. Then at around almost 8 I’m convinced I could actually go see this girl. So I get ready, I get dressed, I think I had the same gray Nike t-shirt I had on the first day we had met up. And as soon as I’m about to roll out the gate I exclaim, “fuck…!” I had a flat on my front tire. This one of the only few times I was impeded from biking for pussy. So I put the fucking thing on it’s stand and start thinking how the fuck I’m gonna get there. I start thinking what if I could bike to the nearest Pemex (which was like a good 15 minute walk from my house) or walk it, or…ask my neighbor/godfather if he had a pump to fill my tire up. As I’m plotting, I’m texting this bitch telling her again I might not even end up going. So I ring my godfather’s doorbell and he comes out. He’s always offered himself and I’m finally a grown ass ma-, well, grown ass kid and ready to call in a favor. I’ve never called in a favor other than a time he got me some Carl’s Jr. (Yo that Carl’s Jr. in Piedras sucks ass lmfao) when I was home alone or something. He told me he didn’t have a pump but rather this machine that’s supposed to serve the same function, only, it’s a machine and you gotta power the fucking thing. So he gets his keys, opens up his garage/workshop and tells me to lift this box, then lift this other box, then unpack the goddamn box, and unpack more shit and we get the thing out. It’s basically this big propane-tank-lookin-ass thing. We hook it up but guess what? The man didn’t even know how to hook up the cables and some other shit. So he calls his handyman and asks him if he could drive over and bring a smaller version of that machine. By this time it was probably almost 8:30 or past 8:30. The handyman arrives, hooks the thing up and we fill my tires up with air. Keep in mind, I couldn’t rush either of them for any reason because I just told my godfather I’m just gonna go for a ride, not gonna go see a lady, which is always an urgent matter for me. So as soon as they’re filled up I load up that fucking GPS, you already know wus going on here. I bike my ass to some other plaza that I frequent, but I had to bike through some ghetto ass shit to get to the Macro Plaza. and I get to the college there and I send her pictures asking her where she was and she hit me with “that’s not the school.” I’m confused, I’m tired, I’m fucking distraught man. I’m like fuuckk, aight drop your pin again and she did and it wasn’t that far. So you bet I made that illegal ass U-turn on my bike and pedaled my ass to her loc. I circle the school till I find the entrance and I pull up and see her talking to some dude. I swear, all these goddamn kids speak and act the same. They’re all so quirky and awkward and speak so, ugh, it’s cringey. So I pull up, go up to her and wait for her to finish her conversation with this dude and he even told me bye. Well-mannered man but the way he spoke, it’s like if he literally embodied the “:v xdxd” emoticons. So then I go up to her and I had forgotten how fucking short she was. Hey what the fuck is up with all my girls being extra short this year, I swear. So we start talking and one of her professors come out, her favorite one she said, and I was just thinking, “I’m deadass not about to makeout with this chick in front of this old dude.” So I took her to the entrance and we just went at it, right? I particularly remember her lips had this taste, she had put something on them and they tasted good as fuck. Then we went at it long enough till when her dad came to pick her up and well he saw me slobbering on his daughter. (fun thing to keep in mind, she also called me dad) Of course, he was gonna get mad. So as soon as he pulled up I told her bye and got my ass on the bike and just really loosely held on to my left handlebar while my right was just freely hanging. I could feel the dad looking at me as I just left like nothing even happened. I got home at about 9. Listen, I’m out on the streets of Piedras Negras, alone, on my bike, for the first time ever. Alone, guero, and young, riding through sketchy ass ends. I felt so fucking free. I felt, good. I felt euphoric man. I get home, my mom isn’t even home, they thought I went to the plaza nearby and the Macro. All’s good.  Then she messages me saying that of course her dad got mad and now he was thinking that she goes to school to see me. Then later that night she hit me up super sad, her dad had screamed at her and some other shit and I felt bad for her. I actually did. Her dad was a dick. After our last encounter we just carried on with the usual shit. This was all the day before my last day of school, the 31st.

On the seventh, all I recall was I was at McDonald’s bumping Carti when she hit me up asking me shit that what if she likes me, but not as a friend and I was like I’d be fine with it and she asked what if she didn’t like me and I told her I’d still be fine with that. She started confusing me, she started showing me shit days earlier about some “girlfriend” she had. Oh, she was bi, keep in mind. Anyways, she started confusing me making me think she likes me and I had liked her and by this time I genuinely stopped caring. Then she was still in love with her prior ex boyfriend which threw me completely off so I just started losing interest completely. On the seventh, I asked her what the fuck she wanted and we had some argument and I asked her if she liked me and she said no, but she said “te quiero” so I was just all sorts of confused cause she kept switching her shit. So, she just said bye and blocked me off WhatsApp. Then a week later she unfriended me off Facebook but we still have each other on Snap and still follow each other on Instagram. This girl would post me on her Instagram and her story there when she screenshot my pictures off our snaps. And that was before I followed her on Insta, I had just found it and I saw a pic of mine there and she posted another one of my eye on her story there and captioned it “mine.” She’d post some real slutty looking ass pictures on Facebook but like, she was 18 and 2/3’s of her friends were foreign so not all of PN could completely shame her cause nobody even knew her. She was probably one of the most confusing and weird girls I’ve ever had.

There you have it, the story of how I scored a fucking 18 year old at 15. One of the weirdest and wildest hoe stories.

Oh well…I won’t miss her though.


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